Things not to say when buying a girl a drink

“Don’t worry about paying me back for this, I squeezed it from some guy’s beard.”

(To bartender) “Get me a blow job! Ha ha! Haven’t had one of those in a while! Hee hee h…” (fixed, unblinking stare at girlfriend)

“Sure, you can have another one! You’re a big girl! It’ll hardly hit you!”

(To bartender) “Can I have a ‘Girl Who Doesn’t Sleep Around With the Rugby Team’? What? There’s no such thing?” (mumbling under breath) “Didn’t think so…”

“And they tried to tell me that amaretto doesn’t mix well with Mountain Dew and cheese curds! Do you believe that?”

“Hi, my name’s Hank. But you can call me Stephanie.”

“Whisky is the only drink that won’t affect my time-traveling abilities. (extending arms and twirling in circle) WHOOOOOOOOOSH!”

“You may drink for free if you answer me these riddles three. Riddle the first: I am old and lay beneath warm ro-hey! Where are you going?”

“…and could you use diet mix? And diet alcohol? And could you get me something that would make this girl beside me appear attractive?”

(To bartender) “Do you have anything that will take the yellow out of my teeth?”

“Two waters, please.” (tip the bartender a nickel, then wink at date) “You can get the next round, snookums.”

“While Communism was sound in theory, I think common sense would dictate that, when put into practice – hey, want to see me stretch my bottom lip over my forehead?”