Sunday, November 28, 2004

Things you shouldn't do to orphans

Remind them that there's no reason to feel sad, just because their parents didn't want them.

Tell them that they might be able to find their parents if they looked hard enough on the Internet.

Tell them that you found their father and that he's coming to visit tomorrow, and then bring in a Catholic priest. Administering last rights is optional.

Use them as dryer sheets. "Mmm... orphan fresh!"

The day before their birthday, throw an elaborate birthday party for the orphanage hamster. Give the hamster cake, ice cream, and a tiny little party hat. The next day, give the orphan a bowl of warm gruel and a shirt that says "My parents abandoned me to the State and all I got was this stupid t-shirt."

Use them as an icebreaker at a local Cougar bar. By which I mean using their delicate little orphan-teeth to crush ice for your drinks.

Threaten to deport them to their home country of Orphanistan.

Organize the first annual Orphan-Wolf Cross Country Endurance Race.

Give them a bumper sticker that says, "My biological father coaches Little League."

Encourage a fledgling heroin addiction.

Report to the United Nations that you have a solution for their landmine removal problem. Then bring in a dozen orphans with clown shoes on their feet held on fifty-foot leashes.

Replace the normal game of Hide and Go Seek with Hide and Go Medicine Ball.

Instead of referring to each of the orphans by name, refer to each orphan by the likelihood of their parents ever coming back for them. "Hey! 3%! Get me a sandwich!"

Encourage them to pursue a career as a locksmith, private detective, or small business administrator.

Teach them to refer to policemen as "blue-skinned bacon-bodies".

Whenever a set of prospective parents arrives in hopes of adopting them, remind them how expensive vet bills can be.


At 2:17 p.m., Anonymous Kelly! said...

You forgot an important section, things you CAN do to orphans, such as; Pick on them; who are they going to complain to -their parents?

Finding old GWers blogs has been the best procrastination for writing my dissertation yet!


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