Words of Wisdom

I really enjoy books that put deep thoughts down on paper, so that the reader can use them as a kind of meditative touchstone to jump-start the cognitive process. Warrior of the Light, by Paulo Coehlo, is one such book. The Hagakure is another. These are beautiful books, relevant and deep at the same time.

I wanted to do something similar, but at the same time I want to do something that has a bit of a different flavour. I want to put down some words of wisdom on record, but I didn't want to put down anything cliche, like "Triumph over adversary" or "A Penny saved is a penny earned". I want my words of wisdom to be relevant to everyday life. I want them to be the kind of primer that I could have used about ten years ago.

So, here we go.

Find a decent drycleaner. When you drop something off, tell them what kind of a stain it is. If they don't get it out, go to a different drycleaner. Keep doing this until you find a good one. Then, never let this person out of your sight.

Your car needs more maintenance than just an oil change. Yes, oil changes are important, but they're just the beginning. Assuming your car still works, drive around until you see some junky hole-in-the-wall with all kinds of crazy-expensive sports cars parked in front. Congratulations, you've just found a good mechanic. Keep your mechanic in the same line of sight as your drycleaner.

Learn how to combine a simple meat dish with a simple side dish and a basic sauce. Then, play around with it until it tastes unique. Unique in a good way, that is. Do this with three or four dishes, and you'll know more about cooking than most people will ever learn.

Never carry a balance on your credit card. Banks are practically pawing over themselves to give people lines of credit these days. If one of the big banks won't do it, try ING or President's Choice, or a credit union if you have to. But whatever you do, don't carry a balance on your credit card. If you have no choice but to carry a balance on your credit card, that's nature's way of telling you that you're living way, way beyond your means.

There's nothing quite so exciting as a good, old-fashioned, hare-brained scheme. There's no shame in losing yourself in a particularly good scheme for a few minutes out of every day. Go on. Imagine what it would be like to try and make a living importing vintage cars from Uruguay, or opening a cigar bar in Fiji. Think about opening your own bed and breakfast on a lake in northern Ontario, or becoming a surf instructor in Costa Rica. Big, crazy ideas have smaller, less-crazy cousins that you can actually incorporate into the less-exciting reality that you're escaping from.

Learn the basics of how to handle your money. Not to scare you, but here's a test. Read the following words. Dividends. Tax brackets. Interest rates. Money markets. Index funds. Emerging markets. Risk thresholds. There's nothing wrong if you don't understand any of these terms. If you don't understand most of these terms and you're investing money in mutual funds, alarm bells should be going off. If you don't understand all of the terms and you're picking your own stocks, then you should probably either consider a career as a firefighter or a lemming, because you're either very brave or very dumb.

If you're a boy, and you haven't seen a doctor in two years, go see a doctor. As someone who shares a Y chromosome, I sympathize with you, and your genetic belief that a doctor is someone who makes you sick, but seriously, just go. You'll thank yourself for it in the long run.

Here's another one for men: the only kind of shirt that you should ever tuck into your pants is a dress shirt. And if you do tuck in a shirt, wear a belt. If you're ever confused, wear a blue shirt with khakis. The only time you should wear white socks is if you're exercising. Ditto with gym shorts or sweat pants. By the time you're twenty, you should have an analog watch and a pen that doesn't say "Bic" on the lid. If the bottom of your pants are fraying, then take them to your tailor. If you've had the same underwear since junior high, throw them out. You can save one pair for those days when you intend to have no human contact. No one will know. I promise.

There are times when you need to get drunk, and there are times when you need to stay sober. And if you can figure out which is which, you're better at this than I am.

You should have the following kinds of books in your bookcase: a book to give you inspiration (The Alchemist), a book to make you glad that your life isn't worse (1984), a book that makes you laugh like a total fool (Dave Barry Talks Back), a book from your childhood (I Want to Go Home), and a book that's hard to grasp (The Tao of Physics).

Everything that you could possibly buy has three potential attributes. Is it easy to find? Is it reasonably priced? Is it good quality? In almost all cases, you'll be lucky if you get two out of three.

If you're with someone special to you, and you go a few days without seeing him/her, and then you see them again, and your heart doesn't leap, you should probably give some serious thought as to whether you're with the person you're supposed to be with.

You really should have a pretty solid grasp of when the food in your fridge is going to expire. Also, you should have an entire meal that can be prepared from items in your freezer / pantry.

You should have something in your life, that you see every day, that's beautiful and makes you smile.

Seriously, just go out and watch Dirty Rotten Scoundrels some time. You'll thank me for it.

You should know how to do the following in a restaurant without looking like you've spent the past ten years of your life in a cave: taste a bottle of wine, when to set the napkin down on your lap (hint: once you sit down), when you should send your food back, when NOT to send your food back, how to gauge an appropriate tip, at least two different labels of wine that you can pronounce properly, how to offer your dining companion a chair without looking wooden and awkward, and the way to talk to the manager / waiter / waitress / chef if it's a very special occasion.

One kind of exercise that you can do no matter where you are, what the weather is like, or how much you've had to drink the night before.

Not everyone in the world is going to like you, but far fewer will actively dislike you if you accept this and just be who you are. Also, it will drive the people who do dislike you crazy.

When to stop writing long lists of random advice and go to sleep, so you don't look like a zombie at work tomorrow.