Things I Would Do If I Were Prime Minister

In the spirit of the season... (Originally printed in Golden Words)

Every year, thousands of students enter the "If I Were Prime Minister..." competition. Some of them enter for personal glory, while most of them enter for the cold, hard $10,000 cash prize. We think the usual answers lack "creativity" and "spunk". We held a staff poll, and the following suggestions were drawn. You can pay us in a couple of weeks.

- Politely ask the "speaker of the house" to "pump up the volume."

- Find the lowest ranked member of the Canadian Forces. Take him to see the Defense Minister. Ask why his boots aren't shiny.

- "Inspect" government-run pot farms in a Volkswagen Microbus, adorned with pink and yellow daisies and filled with the Cabinet. Plan budget.

- To increase authenticity, force Molson to sweeten Canadian with maple syrup. Watch sales climb even higher.

- Add Greek bathhouse to House of Commons. Ask the Olive Garden to set up a franchise. Then, count seconds on watch until it's Souvlaki Time.

- Suggest that the House of Commons be called the SuperFriends.

- Insist that I be addressed as His Primeministeredness.

- Replace the senate with twelve mannequins and a vending machine. Enjoy the increased productivity.

- Every second that I'm not at the helm of this great country, productivity is lost. Hence, to save time in the morning, I'm going to simply have a suit tattooed on my body.

- Name poutine the Official National Bowel Clogger. Put it on the back of the dime, instead of that goddamn crap-ass sailboat.

- Change the National Anthem to "The Logdriver's Waltz."

- Refer to RCMP escort as Dudley Do-Wrong. Kick him when he isn't looking. Blame the Opposition.

- Refuse to floss. Tell that snotty dental hygienist, "You can't make me floss! I'm the Prime Minister! Now get that icing off my teeth!"

- When meeting President of United States, insist that the "down low" high five is the appropriate Canadian greeting. Pull hand away. "Too slow!" Hearty backpatting ensues.

- Triple the funding for the CBC, contingent on Peter Mansbridge entering a strongman competition.

- Measure the bicep size of all Cabinet members. Keep an accurate chart. Encourage them to "hit the iron." Give them weight-gain supplements for Christmas.

- Insist that all speeches in the House of Commons end with "Anyone wanna make somethin' of it?"

- Chase squirrels across Parliament Hill wearing only Superman Underoos and a cape made from rejected legislation.

- Replace the Prime Ministerial motorcade with a 1982 Kawasaki dirt bike and a flame-covered jumpsuit.

- Dial 1-800-O-CANADA and asked to be connected to the Prime Minister. When the call waiting kicks in, I can legitimately talk to myself for hours.

- Get rid of the "If I Were Prime Minister..." essay competition - replace with no-holds-barred jell-o wrestling.